Tuesday, June 28, 2016

~Changes~

I have been so busy!
Our divorce was final this past Wednesday, and the days leading up to it contained a mixture of  overwhelming fear and anxiety. Surprisingly, I felt the most peaceful the day it was final. I questioned myself, wondering why on earth I didn't feel worse. I actually felt much better- a sense of relief. Why? I have no idea, but maybe some day I'll be able to articulate it.

Richard took me to Panera Bread before heading over to the courthouse. Yes, our relationship remains a civil friendship. The picture below, is looking out of the courthouse window. Afternoon thunderstorms are typical during the summer, and I watched the lightning in the distance thinking how I was leaving the storm clouds behind, walking towards the sun.  :)

This entire experience has taught me never to make hasty judgments about people without knowing their entire story.  Richard & I were married for 18 years, and had three beautiful children together.  Never in a million years did either of us think this would happen.
However, Richard had fought against who he was, until he couldn't take it anymore. 
He's known he was gay since puberty, but kept trying to hide and push back that piece of himself that was actually "him". It would be like a cat trying to be like a dog. Richard put forth much energy into being a husband to me, until it caused much anxiety and depression. No, I'm not a demanding woman- it's simply that I wasn't meeting his in-depth needs. His personal crisis peaked last summer, when he came out and said he could no longer continue faking being someone he was not. This was a matter of integrity for him, he said.
I respect him for not having affairs during our marriage, but I'm understandably saddened that he didn't have all this figured out before our wedding day 18 years ago. 
It's actually a much longer story that this, and maybe someday I'll share. A co-worker tells me that I need to write a book, and that she'll buy it. Haha!! Oh dear ... I don't know about that ....

The most difficult part, has been the debates, discussions, and major misunderstandings between family members.  Raw emotions and hurt hearts have difficulty listening and comprehending opposite sides of fences. I don't want to be in the middle, and try to stay out of it. I've often become angry, however, and am thankful for others' forgiveness when my fuse has blown. 
When this life comes to an end, the only thing that will matter .... is relationships. It won't matter what was debated, what grudges were held onto, or who had the final word. 
Relationships ... so necessary, yet complicated and complex in this world we live in. 
Yes, there is always another side to each person's story.  :)

 So ... I'm officially walking down a new, unfamiliar path.
 My summer classes are half-way through and are keeping me on my toes!  In fact, I probably should have been working on my Political Science class this evening instead of posting here. *sigh* .. I'm simply tired of that class.   :) I can't wait for July 31st- the end of summer semester.
 I'm enjoying my job at the family development center on campus, and love walking this path from a city park to my work's location. During the summer months I'm saving on parking permit costs since my summer classes are online. Come fall, I'll need to purchase parking permits again ... oh joy!
 So many changes, yet I know I'm on the right path. I'm grateful for the Lord's guidance so far, and have confidence of His everlasting love, care, and protection. We'll see what's down this road I'm traveling.  :)

 Here's a couple of beautiful sights that remind me of God's faithfulness even when He doesn't make sense. Even when we question His Sovereign plan (He knew this would happen? Why didn't he stop the wedding?!).
I know that I can trust whatever God is doing.

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