March already!

So ... now it's mid-March?!

     Spring semester has been flying by with no holidays to celebrate (we didn't get President's Day off), and I'm very much looking forward to spring break next week!!!   :)  :) 

     I often keep my life to myself when in public or at work, because if conversation turns towards me, I hear, "I don't know how you do it!!"
Well, I simply place one foot in front of the other. No, I'm not a career driven woman, dreaming of my future job once I graduate from college in two years.
     If people could fully understand ... that I used to live my dream as a stay-at-home, home school mom. I used to have more time for things I enjoyed, including time spent with my children. Life wasn't perfect of course, but it was much more aligned with the desires of my heart.
     Now, I navigate a rigid schedule of full-time college student, homework, part-time employee, and full time housekeeper/mom...though I find little leisure time with my children. My present life is definitely not something to admire. Therefore ... when someone says, "I don't know how you do it!!!"  .... I reply, "I don't either!!"    :) 
     I've spent the last nine months keeping my head above a sea of paperwork. I received two student grants this year (after appealing for financial aid), and then began the process of refinancing my home and transferring half my ex-husband's retirement funds into my own Edward Jones accounts. I am so thankful that I don't yet have student loans, and am hopeful it will stay that way! 
     Nine months after the divorce was finalized (June 2016), I am happy to say that all paperwork has finally ended!!!  Woohoo!!!!
     With the refinancing process over, I'm now purchasing items for the house and making note of various projects I need to tackle. 
I found great deals at IKEA this past weekend, including a dresser for Antonin. I love how everything fit nicely in my RAV4!!!    :)  :) 

     Also, I've been redeeming my credit card points toward gift cards for various stores and restaurants. This way, I can feel like I'm getting free things for the house (or a great discount) when I go shopping.  And, I can eat at my favorite restaurant for "free" during my alone weekends.   :)  Yes, I am getting used to being alone every other weekend.  I know what you're dying to ask .... am I dating yet?
     I am discovering how difficult it is navigating the dating world, and find that having two teenagers and one pre-teen actually deters suitors. Plus, since I don't look my age, I shock many people with my *having* kids. lol! That would be funny if I end up with someone 20 years younger, since I'm constantly on UCCS's campus. Just because I wrote this does not indicate I will be jumping blindly into any relationships. lol!
     What about female friends?! Well, seeing how my life has changed 180 degrees .... when I have free time (weekends), most old friends are busy with their families. It's typically much easier going on a hike by myself on a beautiful day, than to try and arrange around others' schedules. Surviving full weeks means my brain grows tired of thinking and scheduling. The last thing I want to do is "think" for the weekends. This remains the most challenging aspect of single-motherhood, since I never plan ahead anymore (much more spontaneous) but I don't intend to neglect friendships!! I am doing the best I can, including making new single mom friends. It has been a refreshing experience meeting and getting to know other single mothers like myself at a weekly Bible Study. Perhaps, I will invite a couple of them on a weekend outing soon, since we're in the same boat and they may be just as spontaneous as me.  :)
                               

     Just remember ... unless you've walked in the rocky shoes of single mothers around you, be careful of your responses and jumping to conclusions about their character. They may just need to talk... and be reminded that they're still beautiful women. Also, allow your single mom friends to dream how their futures may look. There isn't anything inerrantly evil thinking optimistically toward the future and praying for a new chapter with a new boyfriend and/or husband. Some people call it "Hope".   :)

Life moves on

Life moves on .... I'm in the process of refinancing my house, as well as choosing a financial adviser to help me with retirement funds.

I'm guessing life may slow down after tax season?

I almost groaned today when I looked at the calendar to see how close we are to Valentine's Day. Not because I'm a single mom, nor that my anniversary used to be within the month of February .... but because I will need to stay away from Facebook and the radio. After awhile, everyone's mushy stories begin to annoy me. I was actually this way before the divorce, so maybe it's just me. I'll simply roll my eyes, sigh, and eat peppermint york patties. lol!  :)

No, February isn't bothering me due to my divorce.

My personality type is  INFJ (Meyer's Brigg's personality assessment), so I am honestly just fine!

 If you google INFJ, you will discover this personality has no trouble walking away from bad and/or unhealthy relationships once it's apparent all effort & hope has been exhausted. Richard and I had stayed married until he could no longer take the strain of being someone he wasn't. One of these days I may blog about my stance on gays...and our story ...

I must admit that the INFJ in me became annoyed by well-meaning individuals encouraging that things could "change", and the marriage restored. They couldn't begin to comprehend how I was relieved to walk away, and for Richard to finally move out. Yes, I would miss the deep friendship we had (we will always be friends), but the situation would not, could not, ever. "change".  Richard was Richard, and would always be Richard. Suggesting we return to a place where Richard was deeply depressed from attempting to love his wife (unnatural for him).... was not a place I desired to be. My INFJ personality had taken up slack where Richard lagged...and why people never knew by observing us, that he didn't deeply love me. 

So.... it was time to move on... the healthiest "next thing to do". 

God blessed with peace in moving forward (or INFJ resolve?)...and then I discovered others were hurting too .... and that my words weren't helping.    :(   

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Back to the topic of February .... all is well this month. It really is.

 I'll love on my kids as usual.   :)  :)

Oh- and possibly date online?  Ugh!!!!

I honestly cannot stand the dating process, and am all for arranged marriages.  Joking!!!!!

I think that's an INFJ trait too .... quite capable of love, but hates "dating"....

For those wanting to read about INFJ's ....

https://www.google.com/#q=INFJ

Coffee

I'm at work at 7:30AM Monday mornings since my Science for Teacher's class takes up three hours of my late morning/early afternoon. Oh- the Science quiz was just fine, by the way! I actually like electricity and magnetism!

Anyhow, I  go to work early mornings,  due to classes and/or desiring to be home in the afternoons. My huge, huge weakness has been stopping at McD's for coffee or Latte's. Starbuck's is even better!

After a lame attempt to cut back ... I was still spending $22 on coffee/latte's last month according to my credit card statement ....

I decided that instead of "cutting back", I would simply make a substitution. I'd finally use the coffee pot that's been hiding in the pantry since the move here!! A friend from Illinois let me borrow it for my parties when I sold Watkins products (cooking spices; cinnamon; pepper; vanilla).

 Well, the coffee pot moved to Colorado with me, and I'm grateful that friend in Illinois is still my friend! :)  lol!

I've been making my own coffee each morning ... and have successfully fought temptation to stop at McD's on the way home from school or work. The battle is very real, however. It took all my willpower to come straight home today and NOT try out the nearest McD's drive through. 

I drove home and fixed my second cup of coffee (the first one was at 6:45AM).

Some days, one just needs coffee! Especially when you stay up late and get up early, right? lol!

I really am good about taking care of myself ... seriously.

But ... I'm a full time college student, part time employee, and a single mom. Coffee is my reality.

Or perhaps I just like the creamer.  :)

New Routine

It's hard saying goodbye to the kids on Sunday evening and watching them drive away to their dad's house.

Yep, you read this correctly. Caleb has his driver's license now, so he drives everywhere!!

Though saying goodbye every other Sunday evening is hard, I determined that I would make this new schedule work in my favor. 

After saying goodbye to the children, I changed into workout clothes, and exercised at my nearest YMCA. It was only an hour until closing, but that is just enough time for me to work up a sweat.   :)

Then, I returned home and stripped all the beds for laundry. Since the kids aren't home this evening (nor all week), it won't matter to leave clean laundry sitting on the couch until I have time to fold it and//or make their beds!

In between laundry, I read the Science chapter for tomorrow's in-class quiz, which happened to be on electricity and magnetism. I hope to remember the concepts for tomorrow, acknowledging that I really should read these chapters sooner than the evening before the quiz.

Taking a break from Science, I cleaned the kids' bathrooms while my iPod blared music from Pandora Radio. Cleaning with blaring music remains my favorite household activity!!!

The best part is that the kids' bathrooms will remain clean ALL WEEK !! Woohoo!!

Throughout the remainder of this week, I will clean various parts of the house a little at a time (kitchen; downstairs), and then walk by the kids' bathrooms to enjoy the fact they're staying CLEAN!  Haha!  :)

Breaking up housecleaning throughout the week while the kids are gone, helps me not miss the kids so much, and also means I don't really have to clean when they ARE here. Cleaning the house every other week makes me happy.  :)

After we separated, Richard rented a bedroom in the basement for one year, and just moved out a couple weeks ago (divorced for 7 months; shared house for kids to slowly ease into their adjustments/changes). I am finally organizing and fixing up the basement to my satisfaction. I am also in the process of figuring out how to hang a beautiful tapestry my mom gave me several years ago. I temporarily have it nailed (ahem, don't judge me) to the wall, and what joy to hear the kids exclaim, "It looks nice downstairs, mom!" 

When I put forth effort to make our house look more homey in spite of the fact that certain items are now missing (from divorce/Richard's move out), I've noticed that it makes the kids happy.  :)  :)

Instead of nagging Antonin to finish moving from his old bedroom (an office) to the room his dad had moved out of .... I finally took matters into my own hands and moved all his items to the new room, including clothing he had complained he didn't know where to store. You see, I need to find a dresser for him .... but I made things work in his closet and foot locker.

My going ahead and fixing his new room, WORKED!  My showing a good attitude by being positive and upbeat, was the best medicine. 

Antonin ended up singing while vacuuming his room ... I could hear him all the way upstairs, and it made my heart happy.   :) 

The children will eventually adjust going back and forth between two houses, and I will continue to remember how attitudes are extremely catching. If I desire for my children to adjust well to this -or any other- change, I need to model being positive. It may not come naturally some days, but sometimes the heart (feelings) follows the head (thoughts). The effort in putting a foot forward in cheerfulness, often produces a happy heart.

 Yes, I will refrain from complaining about items I no longer have. I can use creativity that God gave me, to make this house look like a home again .... and it's on its way!

 My house is looking nice and cozy!  :)

I'm back!

I haven't blogged since June!?

Well ... life keeps me busy, what can I say.  :)

I was in the middle of taking two summer classes when my divorce became final. How on earth did I concentrate well enough to pull two A's that semester?   

Another reason it took so long for me to resume blogging, is because I wasn't sure what to say!  I was adjusting to being a single mom, and I didn't think everyone wanted to listen to me moan & groan.  :)

Now divorced for seven months, I think I may be able to blog without sharing about divorce, or other upsetting controversial topics. I'll share my new life as a single mom, but I have no desire for discussion or debate regarding  divorce/dating/remarriage, nor the gay Christian community of which Richard belongs. God remains the Sovereign Judge over all, and I'd like to keep things that way.  :)

So .... what's been happening in my life as I move on?!?!

I'm entering a new semester of  12 credit hours, while working 15-18 hrs a week. Sometimes, I feel as if I'm going a bit crazy, but know this will all be worthwhile one day! I have two more years until my BA degree, and then can elementary school job hunt!  I have enjoyed working with toddlers and preschool age children, but my true desire is to assist elementary school age children.

I find it a challenge keeping up with what's going on with my own kids' school activities (or news), and miss being much more involved in their school days. I'm grateful for email updates from the schools, and am attempting to write everything down this semester .... so I don't forget any band concerts!!! Yes- one evening last semester I was informed (by daughter) of a concert that I didn't know about!!  There have been plenty of such moments, making me feel like a total failure. Then grace steps in and says, "You're ok!  Just go to the concert (or fill-in-the-blank) and enjoy. Smile!" :)

I am learning to live fully within each moment, not expecting perfection from myself nor anyone else.  

My kiddos have grown so much!!!  Caleb now has his driver's license, and Antonin has completed his online driver's ed.instruction. He will be getting his learner's permit the end of February!!!  Ashlyn is very eager and happy to help cook & bake in the kitchen, and her confidence makes me smile. I don't think I was quite as eager to work in the kitchen at her age. I remember always wanting to be outside when I was 12.  :)

Someone told me that I look like a kid in the family picture below.  It's nice knowing that I look young enough to be an older sister.  lol!

These blog posts are going to be short and very random until I get the hang of this again.

Until next time .... have a happy weekend!!

~Changes~

I have been so busy!

Our divorce was final this past Wednesday, and the days leading up to it contained a mixture of  overwhelming fear and anxiety. Surprisingly, I felt the most peaceful the day it was final. I questioned myself, wondering why on earth I didn't feel worse. I actually felt much better- a sense of relief. Why? I have no idea, but maybe some day I'll be able to articulate it.

Richard took me to Panera Bread before heading over to the courthouse. Yes, our relationship remains a civil friendship. The picture below, is looking out of the courthouse window. Afternoon thunderstorms are typical during the summer, and I watched the lightning in the distance thinking how I was leaving the storm clouds behind, walking towards the sun.  :)

This entire experience has taught me never to make hasty judgments about people without knowing their entire story.  Richard & I were married for 18 years, and had three beautiful children together.  Never in a million years did either of us think this would happen.

However, Richard had fought against who he was, until he couldn't take it anymore. 

He's known he was gay since puberty, but kept trying to hide and push back that piece of himself that was actually "him". It would be like a cat trying to be like a dog. Richard put forth much energy into being a husband to me, until it caused much anxiety and depression. No, I'm not a demanding woman- it's simply that I wasn't meeting his in-depth needs. His personal crisis peaked last summer, when he came out and said he could no longer continue faking being someone he was not. This was a matter of integrity for him, he said.

I respect him for not having affairs during our marriage, but I'm understandably saddened that he didn't have all this figured out before our wedding day 18 years ago. 

It's actually a much longer story that this, and maybe someday I'll share. A co-worker tells me that I need to write a book, and that she'll buy it. Haha!! Oh dear ... I don't know about that ....

The most difficult part, has been the debates, discussions, and major misunderstandings between family members.  Raw emotions and hurt hearts have difficulty listening and comprehending opposite sides of fences. I don't want to be in the middle, and try to stay out of it. I've often become angry, however, and am thankful for others' forgiveness when my fuse has blown. 

When this life comes to an end, the only thing that will matter .... is relationships. It won't matter what was debated, what grudges were held onto, or who had the final word. 

Relationships ... so necessary, yet complicated and complex in this world we live in. 

Yes, there is always another side to each person's story.  :)

 So ... I'm officially walking down a new, unfamiliar path.
 My summer classes are half-way through and are keeping me on my toes!  In fact, I probably should have been working on my Political Science class this evening instead of posting here. *sigh* .. I'm simply tired of that class.   :) I can't wait for July 31st- the end of summer semester.

 I'm enjoying my job at the family development center on campus, and love walking this path from a city park to my work's location. During the summer months I'm saving on parking permit costs since my summer classes are online. Come fall, I'll need to purchase parking permits again ... oh joy!

 So many changes, yet I know I'm on the right path. I'm grateful for the Lord's guidance so far, and have confidence of His everlasting love, care, and protection. We'll see what's down this road I'm traveling.  :)

 Here's a couple of beautiful sights that remind me of God's faithfulness even when He doesn't make sense. Even when we question His Sovereign plan (He knew this would happen? Why didn't he stop the wedding?!).

I know that I can trust whatever God is doing.

It's finally spring! :)

Ok, I think it's safe to say that spring has arrived in Colorado's mountains.  :)   Snow has turned to rain, everything is green, and the sprinkler systems are popping out... and it's time for flowers and gardens!

I could have started the peas and lettuce sooner, but didn't have the time to focus on gardening until my spring semester was finished! Lettuce and peas are cool weather plants, and grow well in the cool mountain air. Or at least that's what I researched for my English paper last semester. We'll see how they grow on our deck. Tomatoes don't perform well in this cooler climate, but cherry tomatoes can grow fairly well. Due to my liking tomatoes, I decided to give them a try. Yes, I know there's a good chance of their not thriving .... if all fails, there's always good farmer's markets.  :)

Did I mention how the spring wind can be strong and gusty here? I had placed freshly planted starter seeds on a lawn chair. A gust of wind came and knocked the lawn chair over, throwing the tiny pots completely upside down onto the deck. ugh!!  I'm planting more just in case ... and this time, the little pots remain on the deck floor (the wind doesn't move them when sitting on the floor).

And ... I planted flowers this year, too!  I was so excited to try this high elevation flower/ gardening thing since I didn't plant anything last year. Wish me luck in this experiment!  My hope is that at least the flowers survive.  :)

Oh- and when the sun shines in Colorado, it is intense. Being from the Midwest, I so easily forget and go without sunscreen. Yesterday, after planting flowers and seeds, I sat on the deck to enjoy the beautiful breezy weather and a chat on the phone with my mom. I quickly lost track of time, until I realized my legs were tingling. Lo and behold, I am now sunburned on the front of my legs, and my feet are tan!

This has never happened in all the years I sat on a Florida beach, hoping for tan legs and feet. It just doesn't happens at lower elevations. Ouch! I have discovered the dangers of high elevation suntans!

 I've been applying Aloe Vera gel to my legs, and since there's a green tinge to the gel my legs appear to have a green tint.   LOL!!   

We filed for divorce on St Patrick's Day, I plan to change my last name back to "Shelley" (Irish/Scottish origins), and now I have green legs.  Hahahah! 

One must look for humor in life... and be proud of being Irish?!

And ... always use sunscreen, especially at high elevations!!!   

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A couple of highlights from the last couple of weeks ....

Mother's Day was chilly, but nice (no snow). I took the kids to Mueller State Park, proving to be a pleasant time of exploration and simple togetherness.  :)  I am so grateful I get to be their mom!!

 Once my spring semester classes came to an end, I explored Denver with a friend from my former work place. Mabel has always made me laugh, and this "day out" was no exception. What a fun time inspite of the cloudy, overcast day!!  [the sun hid for nearly a week; quite unusual for Colorado]

 And ... last, but not least, I've desired staying put in Colorado Springs in spite of the divorce, partly because it's the best thing for children to have both parents involved in their lives, and partly because I honestly like it here. As you can see, there really are Purple Mountain Majesties!!

Tomorrow, my two online summer classes begin, and I'll grow busy again. My hope is to remain intentional within relationships- especially with my sweet kids'!! 

Aren't you thankful we don't ever do life alone- even in the crazy moments?? 

 Like I've said before, God multiplies my time many, many times over.

I'm looking forward to seeing what He does next week ...